Thursday, September 13, 2012
Journal Post 9/13/12
It is soooo difficult to keep spirits high most of the time. Currently, in the moment, I feel comfortable and hopeful.
But I also feel like I'm at a serious crossroad, where there is only one correct direction to go and I don't know which way that is.
I am so leaning towards hope. So much. I am filled with this intense need to make the best of life and to aim for the most difficult of goals. This is crazy and stupid. But I've never wanted something so badly as this. I have never felt more useful and appreciated in any other application in life as I have in art. People have said AMAZING things to me. I often print these things out onto paper and stash them in secret locations so that when I'm sorting my papers on a bad day I see these notes and sob.
I have never felt anything but unappreciated and worthless in any of the jobs I've ever worked. Unless, again, I am showing someone my art.
What does this mean???
It means I have to pull myself together and try as hard as I can. It means that as long as I am not endangering my life or the lives of my loved ones, I am going to continue on the Crazy path. And believe me, I am so terrified of failing. It is extremely likely that I will never make it. It is extremely likely that I will miss some important thing and get in some kind of trouble.
I am growing extremely unsatisfied with my current job, and to be honest, I get scolded on a regular basis just for staying there. To find another job may require giving up my art dream... this schedule conflict is such a huge wrench in my gears. I have to find a way. I have to find a self-respectable day job that can coexist with my hopes and dreams.
I wish I could hold on to this stubborn and determined feeling and not let fear keep me in shackles like this. A day was too long at my current job, let alone five years.
Here is a new note for my private stash: It's time to raise some hell.